Sorry, Is My Story Making You Uncomfortable?
By Nicole Dobrin
TW: sexual assault, violence against women
As an ode to April being Sexual Assault Awareness month, I thought I’d write a blog on this topic, which seems to be increasingly occupying my thoughts.
Before college, I lived a very sheltered life. I have strict parents who would never let me stay out past curfew and constantly tracked my location. They knew where I was and who I was with at all times.
After leaving for college almost halfway across the country, my exposure to the outside world became inevitable. The world is an ugly place if you fixate too hard on all of its problems. I already knew this. I knew about greed, crime, selfishness, rape, and sexual assault. However, it had not yet touched me in the way that it would soon come to. Nobody I knew had been a victim of sexual assault, at least, as far as I was aware of.
College offered me so many wonderful things, as I was finally beginning to break away from my sheltered life in a Chicago suburb. I met many people with diverse backgrounds and experiences. I formed quick and intense friendships with people, as many freshmen do within the first few months. We revealed things to each other that many people find taboo. I was surprised to find out that nearly all of my female-identifying friends had been either raped or sexually assaulted. I felt like crying for them.
One night I went to a club with my friend where she was groped by a stranger. She was upset, but quickly brushed it away. I grew angry, wanting to use my pepper spray on this man. “HOW THE HELL IS THIS SO NORMALIZED?! WHY ARE MEN ALLOWED TO GRAB US WHENEVER THEY WANT SIMPLY BECAUSE THEY FEEL ENTITLED TO AS A MAN?” is what I kept thinking to myself.
A couple months later I had my first experience with sexual assault. I was with a stranger, but someone who gained my trust and fooled me into thinking they cared about me as a person. This man was three years older than me, a clear power imbalance. He used psychological manipulation and coercion to get me to do things. I came home feeling a little weird, telling my friends the whole date felt a little “assaulty.” It took me a couple of days to process what had happened. I came to realize that coercion and manipulation is assault, whether violent or not. I suddenly was overcome with emotion, tears streaming down my face, feeling so awful for myself, awful for the little girl inside of me that I wanted so deeply to protect. After crying a bit, I grew numb, entering one of the worst depressive episodes of my life.
My sister recently told me about an incident in her college town where a young girl at a bar was slammed into a wall by a bouncer, eventually bleeding out and passing away. The bar still remains open and the bouncer still works there.
Violence against women isn’t new. Women being taken advantage of isn’t new. However, I’m hoping, praying, that people are finally ready to listen to us.
Universities, especially GW, are no stranger to the mishandling of sexual assault cases. While Title IX prohibits the discrimination of any student on the basis of sex, the university has continued to ignore pleas of students to have assailants removed from campus, putting both the victim as well as new potential targets at risk. Student groups such as SASA and GW Protects Rapists have voiced their frustrations with the administration, citing how many of them have been “ghosted” by GWPD and the Title IX office, as well as having their narratives dismissed.
We shouldn’t be asked questions like “are you sure that’s what happened?” by others who want to ease their own discomfort. Cognitive dissonance is inevitable. Someone you thought you knew ends up being someone’s assailant. You don’t want to believe it. You need to, though. You need to do it for women everywhere. I don’t care if they are your frat brother. If you protect those who violate women because of a code of brotherhood, you don’t have an ounce of my respect. Be a good person. PLEASE. I’m begging you to end this cycle. I am begging you to condemn sexual assault and harrasment the next time you see it, regardless of who the perpetrator is.
National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673
DC Rape Crisis Center 24/7 Hotline: (202) 333-7273